just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
