he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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