SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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