the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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