Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
