I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
