Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
mondays should just be called national damage control day
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
