even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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