You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Too much gin, very little bucket
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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