On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
