Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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