You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
