not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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