I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
