so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
