I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
