you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
