And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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