the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
