I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
