If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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