if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
