I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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