I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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