The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
