i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
They have beer where we have blood.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize