if i can run in heels then i can drive
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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