all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Dignity is for republicans.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
