so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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