Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
