I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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