I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
