A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
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