why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
