My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
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