It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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