listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
