I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
