I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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