Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize