A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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