Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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