His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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