dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Randomize
