plz talk dirty to me
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
