My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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