If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
