We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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