your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Oh god it's open bar.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
