I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
