Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
