Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
