is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
