The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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