i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
