im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
