Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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