dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Randomize
