Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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